I'm a Philosophy Master Debater!!!

So, I'm sick of people telling me that I steal quotes and ideas from philosophers. I'm serious. Fuck you, I have my own damn ideas, I don't steal them. Well, I only steal them from books I read. You see, I don't believe in reading. I steal most of my ideas from Fox News. They're philosophy isn't too difficult to wrap your mind around. That's why it's always on in the Whitehouse. It's not because they're retarded in there or anything. I mean, I would NEVER suggest anything like that. They just don't have time to think about complex ideas. They're too busy guarding the Republican party from the media. Those media bastards like to tear them apart. They get their guarding ideas from Fox News. Hmm, or maybe it's the other way around. I'm not sure. Anyway . . . .

The other day I was talking to a buddy about my symbolic views of the bible. I said something to the effect of, "If we're all the children of God, then what makes Jesus special?" I proceeded to go into a long drawn out discussion right after I grabbed my 15th beer of the evening. Somewhere along the line I was completely lost in my statement and my friend was puking on my shoes. After he finished puking, he said "Man, I think you stole that from Carl Jung or something." I was deeply offended. I've never read Carl Jung and I think my ignorance is proof of that. Reading causes you to get learned. I'm not for that.

Anyways. . . . . after I cooled down a bit, I went back into my discussion. I hit a point where I said "Religion is like some sort of drug. It pacifies us and gives us comfort. It's a crutch," I'm really original. I moved on to say, "You know, this is pretty far out there, but I would almost say that religion is the opiate of the masses." My buddy started laughing pretty hard after that. I'm not sure if it was what I said, which wasn't very funny, or whether it was the weed. Anyways. . . . He told me that I stole that from Marx and Engals. Now, I know I said I don't read, but I've read EVERYTHING by Engals, and I still tivo and watch all the reruns. Little House on the Prarie rulz. So, I tells him, "Dude, let me grab a beer." He looks at me like, "oks". So, after I got my beer, I tells him "aight, here's the dilio," then I went to throw up. Then when I got back I started to continue before throwing up again. So, finally, I sat down to say what I was gonna say. I tells him "dudes, those peoples are always in church and Laura is a good girl and stuff." I's like "they're like always high on God and stuff". He's like "dudes, aight, buts, wait, that's Ingalls, not Engals, I'm talking about Frederick Engals the Communist guy." I looks at him then and says "dude, I've seen every episode of Little House on the Prarie. Trust me when I say the dudes name is Laura and he's a girl." Can anyone say "checkmate"? Then my buddy puked on my shoes.

Anyways, don't mess with me on the stuff like philosophy and stuff. I'm totally the fuckin man at it and I come up with my own ideas. I rulz.

Alan

P.S. I need to clean my shoes off now.

See You Aunty

Congratulations!
You've done it again
I feel less like a man,
and more like a tool put through some cruel con,

Pat yourself on the back!
I didn't quite care
if you were here or there
but somehow I do now and I can't figure out how,

You got what you needed!
At least that's how I see it,
you figured me out
and wittoled me down and boy am I down,

I bet you're happy now!
you followed the pattern
I warned you about
you've now reinforced and justified my doubt,

You're the champion!
I know that I'm not
but before you know
just like the rest you'll soon be forgotten,

Congratulations.

An Alan Classic

Here's a folksy little musical number I wrote sometime around October of 2001.

Wakup everyone did you hear the news,
George W Bush is gonna try to use
all our fear so he can abuse
all our freedom and all our rights
Why do we need em?

Wake up now you gotta understand
this is all part of their master plan
to get more money, power, all the above,
forget peace, who the fuck needs love,

Why's it so easy to believe what they say,
On TV, in the newspaper everyday,
But a wiseman like Gore Vidal
couldn't know very much about it at all,

If you buy drugs say hello to prison
and don't forget you support terrorism,
I'll just step out side to gas up my car,
I can't believe what fucking sheep we are,

Oil interest runs our whole damn land,
It's not just a single man,
So get off your ass, don't forget your gun,
We'll show these fuckers how to run.

To You Poor Idealistic Teenagers and Students

Damn,

it'll get better,

trust me.

You'll become numb to hypocrisy,
dickweeds,
bullshit,
lies,
polititians and
intolerance.

You'll become generally apathetic and
you'll be much
happier that way.

Trust me.

You'll forget about

Falling in love,
popularity,
acne,
rebellion,
style and
dreams,

You'll become another robot and
you'll be much happier
that way.

Trust me.

Nothing will change

Regardless of
your beliefs,
actions,
stands,
protests and
general care for the goodwill of mankind.

You'll become blind to injustice and
you'll be-
much-----
happier.

______Trust me.

I once had beliefs,
ideas,
thoughts,
oppinions,
and general care for the goodwill of mankind.

But frankly,
when no one listens or
truly changes
it's easy to forget.

Trust me.

American Food

Sometimes I wonder what people in other countries think about "American Food" restaraunts. Are there actually restaraunts that serve up the American cuisine? I know they all think we're sexy rich bastards, but does our food reflect this?

I'm pretty excited when I go out and get to have our Americanized versions of Chinese and Mexican foods. I really have a hard time believing anyone would be excited to go to eat American Food. In reality, what is American Food? I mean, is it meat loaf,, fried chicken or any of the "homecooked" foods? I think I'm going to do a little exploring on the subject.

We'll start with meatloaf. I'll go to my trusty www.answers.com to find out where exactly this food originated. Hmm, fuck, that didn't work. I guess meatloaf has been around longer than the states. We can't really claim that one.

Now let's look at fried chicken. Well, what I'm finding is that in truth, it originated with the Scots and that African slaves added spices and whatnot. I guess that's partially American. Damn, if it weren't for the slaves, our food. P.S. our music would suck as well. All Pat Boone, all the time.

Ok, well, I can't really think of any foods specifically designated to our culture. Wait a second. I just thought of one. It's not really a food as much as it is a lifestyle. Fast food, baby. We did create it.

In america, everyone is excited to go eat, chinese, mexican, thai, french and whatever else is available. In foreign countries, I can just imagine someone saying “let’s go eat some american”. What exactly is an "American" restaraunt like in a foreign country? Think about the argument “Dammit, we went to Macdonald’s last week, I want BK this time.” They can truly say“This is really what they eat on a daily basis in the states”. It's not really like Americanized foreign dishes are here. We all know that the Chinese aren't eating fried rice and Crab Rangoon on a daily basis. In the U.S.A. we really eat fast food on a constant basis. What reason do you have to come to a country if it’s not to try their food. We’ve fucked ourselves with globalization. We've put our food EVERYWHERE. No one wants to come to the U.S. to eat. I mean, we did invent "freedom fries" but I have a feeling no one gives a shit.

Another Winter Olympics Insult

Winter Olympics, 40 kinds of sliding

- provided by Syphex

What I Like About The WInter Olympics

l. Ski Jump

2. Masturbating to Sascha Cohen

Why The WInter Olympics Blow

Here is why I am bored with the Winter Olympics.

1. What the fuck does it mean if you can ski and shoot a gun?

2. How does it feel to be the best in the world at a sport (I mean that loosely) that very very few people play?

3. Does it feel even worse to be second?

4. Isn't basketball a winter sport? Apparrently winter sports are only those sports where ice or snow is involved.

5. Figure skating is not a sport. It is jumping into the air, spinning and not busting your ass on the ice.

6. What the fuck is the difference between all of those figure skating spins anyway?

7. It gives other countries a chance to prove their supperiority overy the USA in an ACTUAL sport (i.e. hockey). Sorry if it never got cold enough here for me to play hockey in the winter. I suppose we'll just have to dominate your ass in every other sport. I'm talking to you Canada.

8. That one male ice skater is a little too pretty. He makes me question my sexuality.

9. Curling is a sport?

10.Does this Bode Miller guy think he's T.O. or something? It's fucking skiing for Chrissake.

All the Answers!!!

"Alan, I want you to know that some tremendous things are opening up for your life that are bringing you into a greater reality than that which you would even recognize God is even bringing you into. Let's get ready to get into the mind of God for you and begin to seek out the things that the Holy Spirit has brought your direction and is bringing your way."

Alright, I'm tired of typing that, and I'm sure you're equally tired of reading it, as well as thinking "what the holy dicksucking fuck." Well this is my PERSONAL prophecy from Bishop E. Bernard Jordon. Yes, He is telling me my path in life and I think I'm going to have to redirect. Well, ok, I'm ready for this. Let me see what I need to do to begin.
Step 1. I must go get my checkbook because I want to hear the Bishop speak to me on a CD. Only $120.
Step 2. I must go get my checkbook because I want the Bishop to walk me through the next 12 months of my life. Only $365.
Step 3. Listen to all of this and commit to changing my life. I'll stop drinking, partying, having sex with random women, doing drugs, masturbating, kicking dogs, kicking homeless people, spitting on homeless people, masturbating homeless people, masturbating dogs, forcing dogs to fight, forcing homeless people to fight, running for senator, winning a senatorial seat, having sex with my interns, killing them when it seems that the media could find out and my career could be ruined, asking what the definition of "is" is, crashing oiltankers and killing seals, exterminating the Jews (wait, maybe God wants that?), watching american idol, listening to Slayer, listening to Slayer, listening to Slayer, listening to Slayer, listening to the Osmonds, fantisizing about Marie Osmond while touching myself, fantisizing about Donnie Osmond while touching myself, lying about fantisizing about Marie when I am really fantisizing about Donnie and I will finally stop enjoying movies in which Barbara Streisand dies.
Step 4. Begin to wonder why my life still kinda sucks. Look for a reason and discover that all of the things that used to make me happy are things that I am not supposed to do.
Step 5. Go in the opposite direction, move to Utah, find Donnie and propose to him. Make sweet love to his vagina (I'll make him cut that thingy off) and become the first man married to a transgender woman (or whatever you call "it") to be elected senator (we moved to massachussetts for that. I think I forgot to mention. They wouldn't go for that in Utah.). Select interns based solely on "whoreability" and "looks". Bang every single one that walks through my door. Show restraint by NOT killing them when people find out. Just say "Hey homie, I'm a playa. Plus I'm married to a chick that used to have a thingy between her legs. Gimme a break," and it will work itself out as I will capture the entire black and gay vote with this single statement. Oh, if I throw in a "by the way, I'm pro-life" the religious right will go for me too. Did I say I became president yet? Oh, I guess I didn't. I'm not too bright, but, then again, well, last I checked, ummmm---maybe I better run as a Republican. I could go into details about my presidency, but I'll give you one little tidbit. Actually, it's just two words. Those two words are "Texas Independence". That's right. Fuck 'em.
Step 6. Realize I just wasted 485 bucks. FUCK!!!!

People That Piss Me Off, Part I

People That Piss Me Off Part I
Here's a new thing I'm gonna try. I call it "Peaple That Piss Me Off". It should be very easy. I'm ready to do a bunch, cuz people piss me off a lot.
The first people I'll do are people that walk down the middle of the parking lots between rows. Yeah, I'm talking to you, you fuckheads. Did you not realize people drive here? Did you start walking in the middle of this parking lot thinking "how did all these cars get here, certainly not by driving RIGHT WHERE I'M FUCKING WALKING." "Hmm, what's that smell. It smells like car exaust, but where is it coming from?" I'll tell you where it's coming from you fucker. It's RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND YOU. All I want to do is park my damn car and you have to mosey your ass right down the middle of the lane. Oh, and don't think I forgot about you Ms. Diagonal walker from cars to sidewalk. Yeah, it's so inconvenient for you to go straight from where the cars are to where the sidewalk is, so you feel the need to walk at a 170 degree angle from the cars to the sidewalk so that my ass has to drive behind you for a football field. Thank you so much. Oh, and I certainly didn't forget the seperated family walking down both sides of a row and not leaving enough room for my car to get through. Ok, yeah, you cunt, it's too difficult for you to keep those kids by your side so you just let them run all around and block my fucking car. Thank you so much. Oh, and you just looked back at me to see I'm driving 1/2 a mile an hour behind your ass. Hmm, you still didn't move your ass out of the way. I love you and your fat ass. I understand why you parked so far away now. You need the exercise really really bad. Ok, I'm done.

Next Time: People that block the aisles with carts in grocery stores and make you stand there like a dumbass waiting for them to move so that you don't feel like a dick.