All the Answers!!!
"Alan, I want you to know that some tremendous things are opening up for your life that are bringing you into a greater reality than that which you would even recognize God is even bringing you into. Let's get ready to get into the mind of God for you and begin to seek out the things that the Holy Spirit has brought your direction and is bringing your way."
Alright, I'm tired of typing that, and I'm sure you're equally tired of reading it, as well as thinking "what the holy dicksucking fuck." Well this is my PERSONAL prophecy from Bishop E. Bernard Jordon. Yes, He is telling me my path in life and I think I'm going to have to redirect. Well, ok, I'm ready for this. Let me see what I need to do to begin.
Step 1. I must go get my checkbook because I want to hear the Bishop speak to me on a CD. Only $120.
Step 2. I must go get my checkbook because I want the Bishop to walk me through the next 12 months of my life. Only $365.
Step 3. Listen to all of this and commit to changing my life. I'll stop drinking, partying, having sex with random women, doing drugs, masturbating, kicking dogs, kicking homeless people, spitting on homeless people, masturbating homeless people, masturbating dogs, forcing dogs to fight, forcing homeless people to fight, running for senator, winning a senatorial seat, having sex with my interns, killing them when it seems that the media could find out and my career could be ruined, asking what the definition of "is" is, crashing oiltankers and killing seals, exterminating the Jews (wait, maybe God wants that?), watching american idol, listening to Slayer, listening to Slayer, listening to Slayer, listening to Slayer, listening to the Osmonds, fantisizing about Marie Osmond while touching myself, fantisizing about Donnie Osmond while touching myself, lying about fantisizing about Marie when I am really fantisizing about Donnie and I will finally stop enjoying movies in which Barbara Streisand dies.
Step 4. Begin to wonder why my life still kinda sucks. Look for a reason and discover that all of the things that used to make me happy are things that I am not supposed to do.
Step 5. Go in the opposite direction, move to Utah, find Donnie and propose to him. Make sweet love to his vagina (I'll make him cut that thingy off) and become the first man married to a transgender woman (or whatever you call "it") to be elected senator (we moved to massachussetts for that. I think I forgot to mention. They wouldn't go for that in Utah.). Select interns based solely on "whoreability" and "looks". Bang every single one that walks through my door. Show restraint by NOT killing them when people find out. Just say "Hey homie, I'm a playa. Plus I'm married to a chick that used to have a thingy between her legs. Gimme a break," and it will work itself out as I will capture the entire black and gay vote with this single statement. Oh, if I throw in a "by the way, I'm pro-life" the religious right will go for me too. Did I say I became president yet? Oh, I guess I didn't. I'm not too bright, but, then again, well, last I checked, ummmm---maybe I better run as a Republican. I could go into details about my presidency, but I'll give you one little tidbit. Actually, it's just two words. Those two words are "Texas Independence". That's right. Fuck 'em.
Step 6. Realize I just wasted 485 bucks. FUCK!!!!
Alright, I'm tired of typing that, and I'm sure you're equally tired of reading it, as well as thinking "what the holy dicksucking fuck." Well this is my PERSONAL prophecy from Bishop E. Bernard Jordon. Yes, He is telling me my path in life and I think I'm going to have to redirect. Well, ok, I'm ready for this. Let me see what I need to do to begin.
Step 1. I must go get my checkbook because I want to hear the Bishop speak to me on a CD. Only $120.
Step 2. I must go get my checkbook because I want the Bishop to walk me through the next 12 months of my life. Only $365.
Step 3. Listen to all of this and commit to changing my life. I'll stop drinking, partying, having sex with random women, doing drugs, masturbating, kicking dogs, kicking homeless people, spitting on homeless people, masturbating homeless people, masturbating dogs, forcing dogs to fight, forcing homeless people to fight, running for senator, winning a senatorial seat, having sex with my interns, killing them when it seems that the media could find out and my career could be ruined, asking what the definition of "is" is, crashing oiltankers and killing seals, exterminating the Jews (wait, maybe God wants that?), watching american idol, listening to Slayer, listening to Slayer, listening to Slayer, listening to Slayer, listening to the Osmonds, fantisizing about Marie Osmond while touching myself, fantisizing about Donnie Osmond while touching myself, lying about fantisizing about Marie when I am really fantisizing about Donnie and I will finally stop enjoying movies in which Barbara Streisand dies.
Step 4. Begin to wonder why my life still kinda sucks. Look for a reason and discover that all of the things that used to make me happy are things that I am not supposed to do.
Step 5. Go in the opposite direction, move to Utah, find Donnie and propose to him. Make sweet love to his vagina (I'll make him cut that thingy off) and become the first man married to a transgender woman (or whatever you call "it") to be elected senator (we moved to massachussetts for that. I think I forgot to mention. They wouldn't go for that in Utah.). Select interns based solely on "whoreability" and "looks". Bang every single one that walks through my door. Show restraint by NOT killing them when people find out. Just say "Hey homie, I'm a playa. Plus I'm married to a chick that used to have a thingy between her legs. Gimme a break," and it will work itself out as I will capture the entire black and gay vote with this single statement. Oh, if I throw in a "by the way, I'm pro-life" the religious right will go for me too. Did I say I became president yet? Oh, I guess I didn't. I'm not too bright, but, then again, well, last I checked, ummmm---maybe I better run as a Republican. I could go into details about my presidency, but I'll give you one little tidbit. Actually, it's just two words. Those two words are "Texas Independence". That's right. Fuck 'em.
Step 6. Realize I just wasted 485 bucks. FUCK!!!!
posted by Bokonon at 9:31 PM
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